The Family Meeting Nobody Wanted to Have About Streaming Plans

Dylan and Olivia Barnes gathered their children on the living room couch Monday, the way you might before telling them a pet had died, or that the family was moving to a new city.

Instead, they explained that things were going to look a little different from now on.

"Mommy and Daddy had a long, serious talk," Olivia reportedly began, "and we think this is what's best for our family right now."

The kids took it about as well as could be expected. There was crying. There was a pointed question about whether this meant no more watching in bed. There was, eventually, a promise of ice cream, offered the way parents offer ice cream when words alone aren't going to cut it.

Dylan reassured them that everything they loved would still be there. Just occasionally interrupted. By a 15-second spot for car insurance, or a mattress company, or a mobile game about matching gems.

He told them millions of families were doing the same thing. That it wasn't a punishment. That some things, honestly, are just easier to manage this way.

Their eight-year-old asked if this meant they were poor now. Both parents said no, quickly, at the same time.

By bedtime, calm had returned. The ice cream had helped. So had a joint statement from the two of them that this was still their home, still their shows, still their family — just with a few new voices dropping by every so often to ask if they'd considered switching car insurance providers.

Nobody was thrilled. But nobody stopped watching, either.

Distilled from The Onion