4,000 Tons of Man Meat Just Got Recalled

Attention, ladies: check your freezers.

Chippendales has issued an emergency recall of 4,000 tons of man meat after routine inspections revealed the product may be contaminated with something the company only describes as "way too much baby oil and not enough personality."

The recall covers all man meat processed between January and October, though officials say the tainted batches are easy to spot. Look for excessive spray tan, a suspicious sheen, and cuffs that snap despite being "premium grade." If your man meat squeaks when flexed, do not consume. Return it immediately.

A company spokesperson insisted the tainted product poses no immediate health risk, but acknowledged "prolonged exposure may cause severe disappointment, mild nausea, and a lingering feeling that you could have spent Saturday night literally anywhere else."

The USDA — which apparently regulates this now — says early testing found unsafe levels of cologne, hollow eye contact, and something called "Bachelorette Energy," a compound known to cause temporary lapses in judgment among large groups of women wearing sashes.

Chippendales says affected customers can return their man meat to the point of purchase for a full refund, store credit, or a slightly less oily replacement unit. Those who already, um, "consumed" the product are advised to consult a physician, a therapist, or possibly a priest.

In the meantime, the company urges patience. "We take our man meat very seriously," the spokesperson said. "Every unit is thoroughly inspected, hand-oiled, and dry-humped exactly according to code."

Refunds are expected to take six to eight weeks. Regret, they note, is immediate.

Distilled from The Onion